Angry

I went to yoga yesterday (some of you may remember that this is part of my brilliant "lying down" exercise plan).

I was struggling to do one of the positions, which often happens as my DDH (developmental dysplasia of the hips) causes problems and means I can't move in certain ways.

My yoga teacher told me that I was holding on to some emotion, most likely to do with my upcoming operation, and that it was seizing me up.  She's very good at this.  As someone pretty sceptical about spiritual aspects, I still can't help being impressed at how she has this incredible ability to poke and prod various bits of your body, and then tell you exactly what is going on in your head.

So later, I decided to have a think about it.  Explore my emotions surrounding my operation, so to speak. 

Up until then, if you'd asked me how I felt about my upcoming operation (17th May - make a note people) I guess I would have said I felt scared.  And since that's not a helpful emotion to me, my coping strategy has generally been just not to think about it. 

But I faced up and I thought about it, and thought about how I feel about everything I'm going to go through, and I realised that actually I was really angry about it all.  Really, REALLY angry! Which was unexpected. 

I was 'who the hell decided that I should have to go through all of this crap, anyway?' kind of angry.

When I talked to MM later that evening, I was still angry.  I was aware that there was no logical reason to be angry, or indeed anyone really to be angry at, but boy, oh boy, was I mad.

I know that there are people in this world with problems that make mine pale in comparison.  And actually, on most days, I appreciate that I am incredibly lucky just to be able to walk.  If I had been born maybe 50 years earlier, I could possibly have been in a wheelchair my whole life.

But yesterday, I didn't want to hear that.  MM tried to point this all out to me, and got an earful.  "WHO THE HELL DO THEY THINK THEY ARE TO DO THIS TO ME?!" I yelled.  "I wasn't even given a bloody CHOICE!"  "I didn't ask for this STUPID BROKEN body, and I don't want it.  I bloody don't.  I don't want to have to be dealing with any of this crap.  I'm out.  I choose NOT to have stupid, CRAPPY, broken hips.  I am DONE with this shit."   

Incidentally, in case the above is not clear, I was not angry with the doctors, or with my parents, or myself.  No, no.  I was angry with the UNIVERSE.  I have no idea who the "they" are that I was angry at, but boy I wanted to pound them into the ground.  Who chose to put me through this, huh? HUH?  Yeah, well they'd be sorry when I got my hands on them. 

"And, AND" I continued to MM, "They didn't even have the decency to make me 6 foot tall, did they?  Noooooo.  They take away my ability to wear high heels, like EVERY. OTHER. normal 26 year old girl gets to do, and just for FUN, they also made me 5 foot pissing 1!!  So I look 12 years old and completely stupid wearing flat shoes.  THAT'S JUST TAKING THE PISS, THAT IS!  Jeez!"

All this time, there had been silence on the other end of the phone.  MM was clearly a little stumped as to how to respond to this rant against the universe. 

But then, when I finally paused for breath, he said quietly, "But if you had been made 6 foot tall, I wouldn't be going out with you, would I?"

That shut me up.

It's all about perspective people. 

So thank you, universe, for not making me 6 foot tall, and thank you for MM.  I stand by all my other points though, ok?  OK???  Good.

firefly xx

MM thinks he's funny

No comment.

firefly x

Random thought

Can you be both a cynic and a romantic?

Because I think I am.  For instance, I like the idea of Valentine's day.  A day devoted to love and special people in your life = Romantic, right?  However, I deeply object to the commercial aspect of Valentine's day where every card shop, restaurant and florist whacks up their prices to cash in on this one particular day and peddles the idea that if you DON'T buy your significant other a bunch of extortionately priced flowers that are going to die within a week, then you are a BAD BAD person = Cynic.  But, you have to admit, it's hard to be otherwise when adverts appear on the radio promoting special Valentine's deals for CAR DEALERSHIPS!  I mean, really.

MM and I have worked round this particular obstacle by postponing Valentine's day for a month.  Yup, we're going to go out, have a lovely meal and exchange gifts on March 14th.  And save a bunch of cash in the process.  I say, win win. 

However, my issues with Valentine's day are merely the tip of the iceberg.  My personal dichotomy between romance and cynicism runs much deeper.  (Yup, I said dichotomy.  A tutor once said it in a lecture and I thought he sounded like a pretentious knobhead.  So it's ok if you now think the same about me. I just wanted to sound smart.)  See, I am in love and happy.  And, if I'm honest, that's all I've ever kinda wanted from my life.  I've been in long term relationships pretty much constantly since 16 and I'm now fairly certain that I'm settled.  Yes, I am working extremely hard to set up a successful career for myself and I certainly have a sense of satisfaction as to how well I am getting on so far and I enjoy it.  But I don't dream of being Managing Director or anything.  I am in direct contrast to my sister in this regard, by the way.  She is set to take over the world and simply doesn't have time for relationships.  They hold you back, man.

So I class myself as a romantic.  However, I'm the type of romantic that turns round to MM and says things like, "I can't wait for the day when we get to buy a house and start a proper life together forever" and then in the next breath follows it up with, "I'll look into what kind of paperwork we should put in place so that if things do fall apart, we're both protected."  Seriously, what kind of romantic says that??  Some would say it's wise.  Others, that I'm bitter.  (Yes, I'm a child of divorce.  No, I don't think that's the entire reasoning behind all this, although I'm sure it plays its part). 

It has its down sides, this 'oh so sensible' side of me.  It means that when one of my best friends told me she was engaged and buying a house with a guy she'd been with for six months, I didn't do what I was supposed to, which was give her a massive hug and say how excited I was for her (and possibly squeal a bit).  At least, I didn't do that until after I'd looked at her with panic and concern and said, "Well that's awfully quick.  Do you know what you're doing?  Put EVERYTHING in writing."  Which, apparently, isn't the socially acceptable reaction, according to another mutual friend of ours.  Ooops.  Fortunately my friend didn't hold it against me.  And I didn't hold it against her that she ignored me entirely.  :)

Unfortunately, that tends to be my 'go to' reaction when I hear about a couple moving incredibly quickly.  And its not necessarily the way I would like to approach these things.  I would love to hear about a couple that has moved extremely fast and not think, "that doesn't sound wise".    I would also love not to be right quite as often as I am.   

The irony of all this?  I moved very very quickly with MM.  At least by my standards.  We've only been together a year and a half and he had moved in with me at my mum's within 3-4 months.  But I was more sure that he was the right person for me within 6 months, than I was in the entire 4 and a half years I spent with the ex.  And I have yet to doubt that decision. 

However, I don't think I will ever be able to stop the little voice inside my head that says, 'what if?'.  Some might feel that this indicates that I have not met the right person yet.  I don't agree.  I can see MM and I being happy for the rest of our lives together.  He ticks all the boxes.  And I am definitely aware of how it feels to be with the WRONG person, so I am as certain as I can be.  I just think that you can never know what life is going to throw at you.  I can't predict the future, and I am also not arrogant enough to think that I am right when every other couple who breaks up 15 years down the line just got it wrong.  So I will always plan for the worst case scenario.  Maybe that's just what I need to do so that I can go back and enjoy my rose-tinted romance in the secure knowledge that we are both protected should things go wrong.  Does that makes me sensible or just plain weird?  I leave the debate open for you to consider because, frankly, I don't really know the answer.  :)

firefly xx

Where's all the drama?

Seriously.  I mean it.

MM and I are currently negotiating a long distance relationship.  He started a new job and they stole him for a year to live in a different part of the country (without even consulting me!). 

Admittedly he's only about an hour away, so it could be much worse, but it was quite a shift in dynamic given that we were used to being in each other's pockets.  When I realised that a long distance relationship was going to be inevitable for a while I, true to form, panicked.  What if it changed us?  How would we cope?  Was this the END??  MM, true to form, shrugged and said, "I'm sure it'll be fine".  The man is incapable of drama. 

This, to me, is incredible.  I thought that the Drama (that's right, I gave it a capital) was an absolute necessity in a relationship and I have previously had two very long term relationships, that were based on little else.  Take my most recent relationship before MM.  There was screaming, crying, throwing of things and by both parties to boot.  And we did this to each other for four and a half exhausting and heart rendering years. 

Then MM.  And suddenly there was peace.  I would cry and panic and wail, "How will we cope?"  "Where is this going?" and all the usual, dignified cliches that intelligent, independent women are never supposed to say.  And he would shrug and say, "I don't know but I'm sure it will be fine."

At first I was a bit stumped and (I kid you not) I didn't know how to deal with the lack of Drama.  I was well versed in relationship Drama.  I could storm out of a room with the best of them.  I could do a great rendition of, "You've ruined my life!"  Oscar worthy performances, trust me.  And then, with MM, I was suddenly without this.  For a while (and I can't believe this is true) I thought there was something wrong!!  Yup, a relationship without angst and heartache and, well let's face it, misery, just couldn't be real could it?  Clearly we were wrong for each other. 

But, fortunately, I realised that maybe, just maybe, the lack of crying, and misery and heartache might, someday, produce something along the lines of happiness.  I decided to risk it!  As an example of how drama free my life now is, I give you last night's telephone conversation.  I had nothing to say.   My day had been dull and uneventful.  As had his.  So we hung up and left it at that.  Pre-MM, the next few hours would have been spent disecting why conversation hadn't flowed.  How, clearly the distance was impacting our closeness.  God help us, we were drifting apart and it was all going wrong before my very eyes!  And then I would have text my significant other, apologising profusely for being such a terrible conversationalist and all round rubbish girlfriend. 

Instead, I text MM this:  "We're rubbish aren't we."

MM:  "Yup." 

And that was that.  No drama.  It happens sometimes and today we talked for ages about nothing at all really. 

But I wanted to take a moment and just be grateful for all the angst this incredible man saves me, simply because he doesn't do drama.  I recommend it, throughly. 

Peacefully yours,

firefly xx