There. Now she can't say she wasn't warned.
So, I am a girl. And, as a girl, I have from time to time, over the years, engaged in so called "girl talk."
And, as everyone knows, the scientific formula for girl talk is 10% gossip, 5% bitching and 80% sex talk. What about the other 5%, you say? Oh, that's alcohol. This percentage can often be much much higher.
So it is merely inevitable that, over time, I have amassed an impressive collection of truly horrifying, hilarious and sometimes downright wrong sex stories. And it seems a royal shame for all of these stories to be stuck inside my head (actually, at times it can be rather disturbing). So I thought, "Hey Internet, time to share!"
Here's one of my favourites:
My uni housemate goes out to a party and meets a guy. She thinks he's tall and cute, and they dance and drink the night away.
I imagine she then shyly invited him back for coffee, or used some other handy euphemism. (Actually, knowing her, she probably didn't bother with the euphemism!) I can vouch for the tall and cute, because he had to run the gauntlet of my living room past a bunch of gawking, giggly girls (including me), as my housemate attempted to drag him to her room as quickly as possible.
So next morning, noting the lack of cute, tall guys haunting our kitchen, we obviously enquired as to how her night went. And here's where it gets good (or bad, depending who you are in this story!).
Firstly, it apparently turns out that being tall is no indication of anything else being in proportion. Now, no judgement, but when you have deliberately chosen a tall guy with an end result in mind, it can be disappointing, I imagine, to discover that vital inches are missing. So, considering that this guy was apparently almost inversely proportionate to his height in that area, their night of passion was already off to a bad start.
But then it sank to a whole new level. He failed to rise to the occasion. Strike number 2. It's not looking good. But maybe we can cut him some slack here (hehehe, bad pun), after all he had been drinking all night. But then he put the nail in the coffin with this classic line:
"I'm sorry. This doesn't usually happen to me. But then I mostly sleep with guys."